My groovy update 03/04/14 - 09/04/14

This weeks update is not very interesting I'm afraid. I feel a lot better about life in general at the moment which is great.

I gained a pound at weight watchers which was a pain but expected as I had so many treats for Mothers day last week so I'm not going to get down about it.

It is the Easter holidays so all three girls are home from school which is lovely as no rushing around for school runs!

We have been for a family swim this week which was nice although hubby didn't join us as he is not keen on swimming but it was nice for me to spend time with all three girls together as now that Lauren and Chloe are older they are always off with their friends so it makes a nice change for us to all be together!

We were going to go camping on Monday, just for a night, but we had to put it back to the end of the week as Lauren was ill with another virus. It was only about three weeks ago that she had one but the doctor seems to think that it was just one of those things. We were lucky that the campsite were understanding and let us change the date as I thought that we were going to loose our money as we had already paid. We have never been camping as a family apart from last summer when we camped in the back garden to see what it was like so it should be a fun new experience for us all.

Darren has also finally joined our local social club (after five years of me nagging him gentle persuasion!) I am glad as we now have a place we can go in the evenings with the kids if we fancy getting out of the house and they also have events and disco's so it should be easier to have a bit of a social life now!

As always I am linking this post to Kate's groovy mums and this week Kate asks us the following questions.

1. When was the last time you took a break? You probably deserve one. How can you make it happen?

Well that one is happening today as we are going camping. I am really looking forward to the time away from technology and enjoying time together as a family.

2. What are the times in your life when you were really happy? What was making you so and what of that can you replicate now?

Having a plan to follow always makes things better for me and like I have said before that is why I was happier when I was on my social work degree. Hubby and I have discussed this and made a plan for the next few months and I will be adding to the plan as time passes and I already feel much better. Waking with a purpose each day feels fantastic and was something that I had been missing for a long time.

My groovy update 20/03/14 - 26/03/14

This week has been a hard week as I have been very ill with a flu bug which completely knocked me down and Lauren has had a virus so she has been off school and very unwell bless her!

On Thursday I went to weight watchers and even through I had followed the plan to the letter I still gained weight so I was not best pleased! You can read more about that here.

On Sunday my dad came up from London to see us all and have dinner and I spent the whole time in bed as I was so unwell so I didn't even get to see him. At least he got to see the kids which was nice.

By Monday my bug had developed into a throat infection which is still causing me a lot of pain now so I am having to take a lot of pain killers just to get through the day.

So I'm afraid that it has not been a very groovy or productive week for us. 

I am linking this post to Kate's groovy mums.  

My groovy update 13/03/14 - 19/03/14

This week has been a quiet week and although we have not been up to that much, it has still been a nice week.

On Thursday I returned to weight watchers and although the first week was not great, I did manage to loose 3.5lbs which I am pleased with. If you missed yesterdays post on this you can read it here.

On Friday Faith brought home her first proper school report which was fantastic. I was really nervous to open it as she has been having problems with concentrating at school and at the last parents evening I was informed that Faith was behind the class average. Now as a mum I wanted to dispute that fact straight away as Faith always seemed really bright at home but then I thought that maybe I was being biased as Faiths mum so I didn't say anything else.

Well the report showed that Faith was completely on target and she had loads of A's for her effort and behaviour in classes showing that she is trying her best and working hard - I could not be more thrilled or proud. A trip to toys r us for a well done present for Faith is definitely in order, she is a little star and deserves a treat.

On Sunday we went to our local cinema who were showing Disney Frozen for just a pound each which is great value. It was just Faith, Darren and myself as Lauren and Chloe had school production rehearsals all day as the show that they are taking part in is next week. So for just £3 we had a great time and Faith loved the film. I must admit that even I enjoyed the film and wept a tear near the end and the music in the film is also really good, I think I will be investing in the soundtrack at some point.

I spent Sunday afternoon doing science experiments with Faith as she is currently very interested in science and saved up for one of those science kit's that have ten experiments inside. I must admit that science was never really one of my strong points but if it involves spending time with Faith doing something that she enjoys then I'm happy having a go.


On Tuesday afternoon it was Faith's parents evening at school. The teacher was completely different to last time we met and this time she was full of praise for Faith saying how well she is now doing and what a delight she is to have in the class. Faith still needs to work on her concentration levels but that will hopefully improve in time but all in all, I could not be happier.


As always I am linking this post to Kate's groovy mums and this week we have some more questions to answer so I will do my best to answer them.


1. Recall a time you were very happy. What were the elements that brought you that happiness? Can you replicate any of them in your life right now?
This is a hard question for me to answer, as I know when I was most happy but I have no idea how to get that back or even if I really want to! You see I was most happy when I was on my social work degree as I was doing something I loved and working towards a job which would provide financial security for my family and we had more money to go out for family trips and holidays. It was hard work but a very happy time for me as I had a plan and I was working towards my goals and everything just seemed right.

Then I became ill with ME and I had to leave my degree half way through the second year and we went from being on a comfortable income to being on benefits and I lost all of my confidence and it has all been down hill from that moment really. I try to look at things in a positive way and think that everything happens for a reason as that is the only way that I can make sense of things and I think that if I had not of gotten ill then I very probably would not of had Faith and she is worth any hardships that I felt back then. I also would not be writing my blog either as I would never of had the time to once I had qualified.


I think that the main point was that I had an achievable plan on what to do with my life to provide for my family and since all of that has passed I am at a complete loss of what to do with myself.

2. What needs to change? I think we often know really but run away from the answer.
This one is easy as I know what needs to change - I do! The problem is, I am not sure how to!

3. What blessings do you have even the ones that wind you up a lot of the time?
My husband and my children are my biggest blessings in life. I am also thankful to have a roof over my head and food in our cupboards. Access to the internet is also a blessing for me as it allows me to express myself in my blogging and to read other blogs and interesting things on the net. I am also blessed with the good health of all of my children, I do not know how I would cope if they had any serious illnesses, it doesn't bare thinking about.

My groovy update 06/03/14 - 12/03/14

After the highs of last week this week has been quite low and difficult but then I guess that is the way life goes, every week can not be fantastic so I just need to be able to learn to deal with the more flat weeks better and make the most of every great week that I have.

Faith has finally recovered from her chicken pox and is now back at school which is great as it was hard having her home for a week as I didn't manage to get much done and all my to do lists went out the window and of course it is great that she is feeling better now, not that it seemed to affect her very much, bless her.

I did manage to join weight watchers which you can read all about on my wobbles Wednesday post from yesterday if you like, here.

Now as always I am linking up with Kate's groovy mums and this week she has asked us all some questions about friendship and supporting people that are having a hard time, so here are my ideas.

1. How can you and I support mums when they are having extreme troubles but also have to keep on keeping on for the sake of their families?

If these mums are on-line then I guess that all we can do is listen to them and offer kind words and advice to hopefully give them the strength to carry on. Sometimes, life can feel very lonely and all you want is someone to talk to so that you do not feel so alone even if it is online rather then in person.

2. How do you like to be supported when it all seems too much and where do you go for that back-up?

I only really have the support of my husband which is great although sometimes it would be nice to have a different perspective. I find making friends very difficult and I actually wrote a post on this last week.

I think for myself I would like it if I knew that there was someone somewhere that cared and would be there to listen and offer advice when I needed it.

3. When you are struggling, do you take inspiration from a book, a heroine or something else?

When I am struggling I try to think about my children and how they need me to go on and be there for them. I want to be a good role model for them so I try and show them that it is ok to sometimes struggle in life as long as you do not give up, you will eventually find a way through it all and life will get better.

My groovy update 27/02/14 - 05/03/14

This week has been a funny week as lot's of good things have happened but it's also been hard as Faith has chicken pox's. She has been so good with it and it hasn't slowed her down at all, she's still running around dancing and singing and generally getting up to mischief bless her, but it's not nice for her as the spots are really itchy.




On Saturday I took Lauren into London for a day of shopping and a visit to the Apollo Victoria to see Wicked the musical. I was very nervous about going as I have only been to London twice before and both times before I was with another adult who I could rely on but this time I would be in charge and Lauren would be relying on me to get her to the places she wanted to go and to get home safely and my anxiety was sky high to the point where I was thinking about backing out! Then I thought about how much she was looking forward to going and how terrible she would feel if I let her down so I gave myself a stern talking to and I mapped out on paper a route to follow with tube lines we would need etc. and I did it.


I am so glad that I did, as we both has a fantastic time. We left our house at 9:30 in the morning and got the train to London. We then went to Leicester square to visit M&M world as that was the top shop on Lauren's list of shops she would like to visit. It was expensive in there, but I must admit that they have done a good job on making a lovely attraction out of the shop. We then headed to Oxford street as that is where most of the shops that Lauren likes were and we had a great time. 

Me and Lauren in the theatre!

Then it was off to the theatre, the show started at 7:30pm and was fantastic. Lauren really enjoyed it and I treated her to a T-shirt that she wanted to remember the show and she wore it to her dance rehearsals today to show it off to all of her friends. We were a bit worried that we were not going to make the last train home as the tube kept stopping as there were some kind of delays but we sat down on the train with 4 minutes to spare and were off home. We got home at about 1:30 am so it was a very long day but definitely worth it.


On Sunday I received an e-mail from a lady from Britmums telling me that I had won a runner up prize of £100 John Lewis vouchers for my post and review in the Barny bloggers challenge which you can view here if you would like to take a look. This was really exciting for me as I have only been blogging for just over three months and it was not a lucky draw, it was based on my writing so I was really pleased.


Then on Tuesday I received another e-mail from the lady from Britmums telling me that I had also won one of ten prizes of £100 supermarket vouchers for my chilli beef pancakes recipe that you can view here in the lion eggs blogging challenge. Again, I was really excited as I feel like I am getting some recognition for all the work I do on my blog!

our pink pancakes.

Tuesday was also pancake day so we had traditional pancakes which I coloured pink to make them more fun with lemon and sugar and Faith had some syrup with hers as she is not keen on lemon and sugar. It was lovely as it was the first time she got to flip a pancake (with help from mum) so she was really excited and even my teens came down to have a go.

On Wednesday I looked into offers for joining weight watchers as my voucher that I was going to use had expired from before and as I was checking my e-mail I noticed that groupon had a great offer on so I paid for three months membership to meetings and online access for just £25 which is a fantastic saving! My meeting is today, so I will let you all know how I got on next week.


As always I am linking this post with Kate's groovy mums over at Kate on thin ice.


My groovy update 20/02/14 - 26/02/14

This week has been a quiet week for us. I think I needed a calmer week after last weeks fun, so for me I have spent most of my week baking, working on the blog and doing things with the kids.

On Saturday it was the last part of Faith's birthday celebrations with a party at a local soft play centre for Faith and 9 of her friends. Only five friends actually came which was a shame although it didn't seem to bother Faith as she had a brilliant time.

Weight watchers is still not joined thanks to my hubby who has a habit of putting things off. He thinks it will be better to wait until after the weekend as I will be taking Lauren into London for her day of treats and visit to Wicked that I organised for her 16th birthday in January. I can see where he is coming form but at the same time I think that there will always be something to stop me from joining so I am determined to join up next Thursday no matter what he says!

Kate over at Kate on thin ice has set us another challenge, well three actually, but I am choosing to do the poem about myself. (Please be kind on my attempts at poetry!) This is an adaption of a poem that I wrote a very long time ago.

A poem about me.

Sometimes I hate me,

I just can't see one good quality,

But slowly that is improving,

Step by step I am getting my groove on!

I'm proud to be a good mum to my three wonderful girls,

 And I know that I'm raising them right,

Each time I look in their eyes,

 And see them smile as I kiss them goodnight.

I look after my family in a kind and caring way,
I always have time for them no matter how busy my day.
I always listen and I never judge,
I always try to remain true to myself.

I'm an honest person, I hate lies,
I'm quietly confident, but people think that I'm shy.
Life is full of laughter, I love to have fun,
I see the glass half full, I'm the positive one.

I try my hardest each and every day,

to keep moving and improving in every single way,

Deep down I know I owe it to myself,

So no matter what, I'll never give up.

My groovy update 13/02/14 - 19/02/14

Wow what a week I've had! This week has been very busy but also packed full of fun so I'm not complaining at all.

On Thursday I was running out to all the shops to buy all the last bits and bobs that I needed for Faiths birthday and I also had to get some house work done and the weeks food shop too as I knew that once the children finished school on Friday I would not be getting much done.

Friday was of course Valentines day and it was a really lovely day. I blogged about what my lovely hubby got me in my post that I wrote for last weeks prompt that you can read here if you haven't already. We had a lovely day and the girls were all really pleased with their little packets of love and cards too. 

Friday evening we had our first date night of the year and we went out to dinner. I had a starter of leek, potato and bacon soup served with warmed baguette, my main was a burger served in a ciabatta roll and topped with pulled pork with chips and onion rings and for desert we shared a chocolate fondue which was meant for two and had strawberries, profiteroles, shortbread fingers and sticky toffee cake topped with Belgium waffle to dip in the warm chocolate sauce. 
Now normally we would just have two courses and at this particular restaurant we would normally only have one as they have such large portions but this was a set menu so as we had paid for the three courses we were determined to eat them! It was lovely to get out for the night and be child free as it is so rare for us to do so. Don't get me wrong, I love my children more then anything and I love spending time with them and being together as a family but I have come to realise that it is also important for us to take some time to focus on our marriage, something that we have neglected to do in the past so I really enjoyed the evening and we are going to make sure that at least once a month we go out somewhere child free for a date night and spend time enjoying each other.

On Saturday it was Faith's family birthday party and I spent the day making her birthday cake, which was another piñata cake, and I also cooked up some simple smartie buns that I know Faith loves. I made a pass the parcel for the family to do and decorated the house. 
Darren was a star and helped with a lot of the food too. Then at 4pm the family arrived for the party. 







We let Faith open her presents from the family even though it was not yet technically her birthday as the family like to see her open them and also because I think it would of been torture for Faith to see all the presents and not be able to open them until Wednesday! Faith did really well and was completely spoiled by my family as usual and she had a great time at the party and fell asleep with the biggest smile on her cute little face.

On Sunday we stayed home and did a lot of cleaning up from the party and playing with Faiths new toys. 

Monday was another day in and I spent a lot of time with Faith as both my older girls were out with their friends. My sister brought Faith a Barbie mega blocks set that I had not seen before and it is really lovely as you get an instruction book to make the set into a beauty salon and then once it is made there are little dolls that have hair and clothes that can be changed so that you can play with the salon you have made. 

We made half of it today and that took us quite a while as Faith has a really short attention span so it can be hard work to keep her concentrating for so long. She did really well though and I was really proud of her as some of the bits we did she worked out where bits were suppose to go before I had even turned the page to see. We also spent time in the kitchen making a chocolate and banana cake which was requested by daddy as he knows that once I start my diet my baking will be reduced so as to help me loose weight as my will power is terrible and I can not bake and not have a taste! We also did Faiths home work together so that it is now out of the way ready for when she goes back to school and we spent lots of time having cuddles and generally chatting too so it was a lovely day.

On Tuesday we ventured out to a local park, baked peanut butter and banana muffins and popped into town to get cards and wrapping paper that I had forgot to buy last Thursday! 

Finally, Wednesday was Faith's 6th birthday. We got up early so that she could open her presents. We got her a monster high dance mat, a bratz car, a bratz doll, a Disney princess activity book and a board game. 

After we had played some games with Faiths new toys we were off to the local swimming pool as Faith absolutely loves to go swimming. It was family float time as well which was great as Faith also really enjoys using all the inflatables that the pool provide for this session. Then it was off to McDonalds (Faiths favourite!) for some dinner. Once we were back home we spent the rest of the day playing with Faith and her new toys.

As always I am linking this post up to Kate's groovy mums linky and I think that this week I have been pretty groovy! 
Kate had a lovely list of reasons written from her son as to why he thinks that she is a groovy mum and when I mentioned this to my girls Lauren and Chloe my oldest two wanted to write their own lists too so here they are.

My mum is groovy because;
1. She is pretty.
2. She doesn't care what people think about her.
3. She lets us stay up late to watch TV.
4. She's always there to listen to me.
5. She's always wiling to sing with me.
6. She always tries her very best for us.
7. She always manages to make Christmas special despite struggles.
8. She has a cool sense of fashion.
9. She is such a good cook.
10. She is very creative.
From Lauren aged 16.

My mum is a groovy mum because;
1. All of the activities she does with us.
2. She is creative.
3. She is determined to make things better.
4. She is going to start her own business.
5. She is caring.
6. She is pretty.
7. She is a good cook.
8. She is good to have a laugh with/funny.
9. She doesn't care what people think.
10. She always makes a good Christmas and loves being a family.
By Chloe aged 14.

   

My groovy update 06/02/14 - 12/02/14

This week has been much better and I am pleased to say that I am still a non-smoker! I am still not feeling great but I am feeling much better then I was this time last week. Darren has managed to fix the car as well so that is another big weight off my mind.

I have spent my week having fun with the kids, doing puzzles and playing board games as the weather has been so bad and with my bug we have been stuck indoors. We made some mince pies over the weekend as well as even through most people associate them with Christmas we love them at any time of year so we make them whenever we fancy some to eat. The trouble is that they are so popular they do not last very long at all!

I have also spent the last couple of days finishing my Valentines preparations ready for Friday too. I have made the girls their little packets of love and I have got Darren a DVD, some men's moisturiser, some joke socks, a card and a big box of baileys truffles as he loves Baileys. We have a table booked at a local restaurant that we both like that are doing a special valentines menu which sounds delicious. It will be nice to have something to get dressed up for and also nice to have some rare alone time with Darren as well.


Last night I accompanied Lauren to the theatre to watch 'Brendan Cole - licence to thrill' which was really good. Lauren received two tickets as a birthday present from a male admirer and asked me to go with her which was really nice of her as I know that a lot of people probably wanted to go along and see the show. I am a huge strictly fan so I had a great evening.

For the week ahead I have quite a busy week planned as first it is Valentines day, then it is half term so all three children at home for the week and on February 19th it is Faiths 6th birthday so I am busy planning and buying for that.

My groovy update 30/01/14 - 05/02/14

My very un-groovy week!

This week I have been ill with a flu bug and I still am! One of the lasting side affects of having ME is a bad immune system so that I catch every bug that's going and when I do get ill, I get it a lot worse then the average person and it lasts a hell of a lot longer as well.

This bug has been the worst I have had in a long while. I am shattered, bunged up nose/running nose, my chest feels like it is being stabbed every time I breath in, my throat is sore and when ever I swallow I feel like I am swallowing glass. My legs ache, my head aches, my arms ache, and my tummy aches. I am really feeling sorry for myself so my apologies for my moan.

As I have been unwell, not much has been happening and I have not been getting very far with my weekly aims either. Our car has also stopped working, something to do with the key and immobiliser and as I am not a driver I do not really understand what is wrong other then the fact that it will not start and drive us anywhere.

I haven't seen my mum in weeks so am yet to discuss weight watchers with her and I have been very up and down with the not smoking.

On the plus side I have not been smoking and being ill has probably helped with that as I was in so much pain with my chest when just breathing in normal air I knew that if I tried to breath in a cigarette that pain would double so I am smoke free. Once I have not smoked in six consecutive weeks I will be able to tick that off my 40 by 40 list which will be fantastic.

So last week I wanted to join weight watchers and I did not manage that. I have now pushed that back to the 19th February (I have a voucher to get money off my first months fee's which runs out on the 20th!). I think that it is more sensible  to push it back a couple of weeks as I have no car to get me there at the moment and I am hoping that it will be fixed by then. It will also give me time to recover from this bug and get in touch with my mum to see if she still wants to come along too. I will have also been for my Valentines meal before starting the diet so I will not have to feel guilty about breaking the diet for that and I will have also hosted Faiths family birthday party by then meaning I can eat what I like without there being any extra pressure of being a weight watcher member.

So hopefully by February 19th all of my obstacles will have been eliminated and I will be ready to start loosing some of these excess pounds!

I am not setting any aims this week as I just want to get myself better as I hate being unwell. I hope that next weeks update is a much more positive groovy post - fingers crossed!

My groovy update 23/01/14 - 29/01/14

I have decided to merge my groovy updates with my weekly round ups into one post a week as I felt that they go well together and I also felt that I was continuously writing updates as I am planning on starting wobbles Wednesday next week as well.

So from now on I shall use this post to talk about events of the pervious week, how I'm progressing in my plight to get my groove back and any aims that I am setting myself for the week ahead.

So last week I set myself the aim of giving up smoking and I have to confess, this has not been as successful as I had hoped. I went five days without a cigarette and I was feeling very positive about the whole experience which in itself is a first for me, but on the sixth day my darling hubby decided that we should smoke for the weekend as it is much harder with the kids being at home and I very stupidly agreed. I can not tell you how annoyed at myself I am! So we smoked on Saturday and Sunday and then on Monday when it was time to quit again all my positivity had gone and by lunchtime I was smoking a cigarette! This is exactly what has been my life for the last 18 months, I am continuously starting and stopping and it is making my depression very bad as I am so up and down all the time.

I am annoyed with Darren for suggesting we smoke as he has a habit of doing this and yet it is he who has wanted us to quit for years but at the same time I can not give him all of the blame as no one put a gun to my head so I too have to take responsibility for my actions.

It is now Thursday and I have not smoked since Monday so I am now on day three and this time I must do it. I have told Darren that if he loves me as much as he says he does then he can no longer speak to me about cigarettes. I do not want to know if he wants one and I certainly do not want him to make any more suggestions on smoking as it is too hard for me.

As far as my weekly round up goes, I do not have much to say as I only posted my last one on Sunday and the kids have been at school and as I have been trying to quit smoking I haven't really done anything exciting, it's just been the normal housework, cooking, blogging and what not.

I did do my nails again as that really does lift my sprits.

My aims for this week are to continue not to smoke and to join weight watchers next Wednesday with my mum.

If I could just get over this whole giving up smoking thing I would have so much more time to spend on other areas of my life to help me get my groove back so watch this space and wish me luck!

This post has been linked up with Kate's groovy mums.

My groovy update.

I have had quite a good week and I am pleased with the progress I have made so far. Last week I set myself three aims for the week.


The first was to have a heart to heart with my husband which I did and although we have a lot of work to do, the good news is that we both want to try and get the marriage back on track and neither one of us has completely given up. We realised that we both need to make changes and we both need to spend more time together. We have agreed to have a date night once a month which will start on valentines night and we also need to plan some time during the week to be together as well. It is very early days and we have a lot of work ahead of us but he did buy me flowers the other day, the first time in about four years!

My second aim was to do my nails. As you can see from my rather bad photography, I did do them and it really did lift my mood! I felt more positive and put together and I am really pleased that I took the time to do them. For anyone interested, I used Avon magnetic nail varnish to get the stripy effect. I am going to make a conscious effort to do my nails at least once a week from now on.

My final aim last week was to arrange a date with my mum to go back to weight watchers. I have half done this as I have sorted out the times of our nearest one and when I would like to start but I haven't discussed it with my mum yet as I haven't seen her yet as I was so busy sorting out Laurens 16th.

I only have one aim for this week, to finally give up smoking! If I can post next week that I have not had a single cigarette then I will be well on my way as past experience has taught me that if I can go a week, half the battle has already been won, as after a week I do not want to mess up my progress and then have to start again. It's getting to that week that's the hard part as I am forever trying to give up smoking and then messing up on the second or third day.

I hope all the other ladies taking part in Kate's groovy mums are having a groovy week and fingers crossed I will too.

This weeks aims

As you know I am taking part in this years groovy mums group over at Kate on thin ice and this week she asked a series of questions about why we have lost our groove and where we are now. I am not going to repeat myself as I pretty much answered all of Kate's questions in my last groovy mums post which you can read here if you have not already done so.

The last question on the list however was 'what baby steps can we do this week to move things forward a bit?' so here is my list.

I have not had much time this week as I have been busy organising my daughters 16th birthday party (more on that to come soon) so I have only got three very little baby steps for this week.

1) To have a heart to heart with my husband to see where we both honestly stand in relation to our marriage.

2) To do my nails - I have loads of nice nail bits, but I never seem to have the time to use them so just go around with short plain nails. Doing my nails not only makes me look better and more put together but it also makes me feel better about myself too so it is definitely worth finding the time for.

3) Agree on the date and times that my mum and I will start going to weight watchers to make a start on one of the things that get's me down the most - my weight!

I hope that all the other groovy mums are doing well this week!

Stuck in a rut - a very honest but long post!

It has occurred to me over the last few days that I am completely stuck in a rut and it is not something that I like. The day before I am sat here writing this I found out that a very close family member may have cancer and they are only 25 years old. We are waiting for the results to come back and I realised how I am wasting my life and life is precious so no one should ever waste a moment.

The thing is that since having ME and very bad depression I have really let myself go and I am stuck in a bit of mess and I am wondering how on earth I am going to turn things around. I am very good at thinking of ways to be a great mum, partner, family, more organised and the like but I am not very good at applying all my ideas to my life myself. I am also very good at putting on a front to the outside world so that everyone thinks that I am enjoying life and handling things very well but in truth this is not the case.

When my ME was at it's worst I was bed ridden and never left the house so I completely cut myself off from the outside world. This lead to a lot of problems and the biggest problem by a mile was my depression. Since being able to do more and being in recovery of ME I seem to have lost the ability to lead a normal life and I do not know how to start living again.

The truth about the rut that I am in.

My health.

* I am currently taking two different anti-depressants every day and the doctors have said that I am on the highest possible doses for both so they can not increase them anymore but yet I am still very depressed.

* I am two years late for my cervical smear test.

* I have a mole on my face that over the last six months has changed shape, grown in size and puffed up but I have not mentioned it to my doctor.

* 5 months ago I had a blood test which came back as having too many white blood cells in it and I was asked to go back after a month to have another test as if it came back the same more investigating would need to be done and I never went back to have the test.

* I am stupidly over weight and I never exercise.

* I have been trying to quite smoking for the last 19 months but yet am still smoking over 40 a day.

* I drink 3 - 5 litres of diet coke every day.

* My teeth are in a terrible state where they have broken off (probably due to all the carbonated drinks that I have and times where I have not looked after them properly due to being ill) and I have not been to a dentist (I am petrified of them after a few very bad experiences) for at least 7 years.

* I am 3 years late on getting my eyes checked at the opticians.

* I rarely bother to get myself dressed unless I am going out and I rarely leave my house.

* I never use the many face creams and body creams that I have and I do not take care of my appearance as I should.

My relationships.

* I have been with my husband for 18 years but I am really not happy and I think that he is not happy with me either but he is just too scared to admit it. He has changed so much over the years that most of the time I do not even like him.

* I do not have the relationship that I had hoped and dreamed of with my two older children and I do not know how to put it right.

* I have no friends either in the real world or online.

* I do not get on at all with my sister and although I have actually tried on several occasions to put this right she does not want to know.

* I have no relationship with my dad as he left when I was a baby and although I have found him on three separate occasions over the years he does not want to be part of my life although he will not tell me why.

Other.

* We are constantly struggling with money and we have no savings and are in debt up to our eyeballs.

* My credit is terrible.

* I have no work experience as I have either been in education or at home.

* I have GCSE's A levels and a half finished social work degree as I had to drop out half way through the second year due to me being ill with ME.

* I have no proper routine in place to keep up with house work.

* I have been living at my current home for 18 months now and I still have loads of boxes that I have not even unpacked.

* I have terrible bouts of anxiety and I can not answer a ringing phone unless it is my husband that is calling me.

I was inspired to write this post as I was reading a post on the Kate on thin ice blog and I decided that I would join in as I really need to get my groove back! I just don't know where to start?!?

Kate wanted to know what we dream of and she said to dream big so this is my list of what I would like life to be like.

1. Loose weight.
2. Get myself healthy in terms of all my health problems that I listed earlier.
3. To not suffer with depression or anxiety any more and eventually come off the medication.
4. To finally quite smoking for good.
5. To look after myself and make more effort with my appearance.
6. To save my marriage.
7. To have a better relationship with my older two daughters and my sister.
8. To have some friends in both the real world and online.
9. To sort out our finances and be able to live comfortably and without being in debt with bad credit.
10. To set up my own business which I talked about in my new year resolutions post.
11. To have an organised and clean home.
12. To be making the most of every moment as no one knows how long we are going to get.